Owing to this Update, I changed to a new house-hold help. She’s M – very quiet, clean and sticking to the time she told me – so far so good.
She was inquiring me about my mother, my patti and how they are coping up. When I told that my patti has lost both her sons….she was very upset and then told this.
M is just 23, but already a mother of 3 daughters….just read daughters again. After delivering 2 daughters, she decided thats it and she cant take any more. But her husband and MIL persisted, so that she can give them a son. M left the husband’s home and went to live with her mother. Her working mother, her strong support, welcomed her. M’s mother tried to put in some sense in M’s husband and MIL’s mind…but it never worked. So, M’s mother sought the advice of their Doctor, who called M’s husband and tried talking to him. The Doctor explained that M is very weak and she cannot sustain another pregnancy. And that even the Family Planning Op needs to be done soon, when M’s physical health becomes better.
The husband assured the Doctor that he’ll take care of M and took her and the girls back home. Within a month of taking her back, she became pregnant. M was furious, because she has fought every moment that this should not happen. But finally, she delivered a third girl, much to the fury of her husband and MIL. M looks like a stick to me…I didn’t know where she had the strength to undergo 3 pregnancies at such an early age.
Now, M’s argument is all the more interesting :
“My husband wants a son from me. But, he doesn’t do his duties as a son, to his Mother. He is not even considerate towards her. Its me who takes care of her, with the money I get paid. When he cannot be a good son, why does he want a son ????
And I’ve a brother too, of whom my Mother was more fond of. But now, seeing the way he is behaving so selfishly, she has come to realize that daughters like me are more better than those sons.
Now, you tell me, why everybody is after a son ????”
The Bitter Truth is that the Man wants a Son, but he wont be a good Son to his parents !!!
My friend was chatting with me on phone and the topic went towards home based work or part-time jobs. My friend is very friendly with a warm smile and very good at helping out people. But sadly, trying to do some home based business opportunity, left her quite dry, as the husband started opposing the high demand for her business, in the community of flats, where we stay. He didnt like her getting busy and meeting more people.
She tried applying for Teaching jobs (part-time) and even got selected. Since husband has night-shift, he sleeps through the day, while she can go to work and be back home for lunch. Alas, no to that also.
The Bitter Truth is that the Man doesn’t like more importance for his Wife or probably Man likes his Wife to be financially dependent on him.
Now, there are more such people, whom I meet on a regular basis, and out comes a Bitter Truth from their life. Here are some :
The Bitter Truth is that the Man can get highly emotional over simple things, shout, scream and make a hungama, but the Wife just has to remain totally un-emotional.
The Bitter Truth is that the Man can talk unwanted things in a moment of high and can apologize and make up the next morning, while the Wife talking unwanted things will not be tolerated by the Man and no apology will be accepted.
The Bitter Truth is that the Man can talk all that he wants about the Wife and her family and put them down with words, while the Wife should adjust to his side of the family, however they are and not say a word about it.
Now, there are exceptions and these are not generalizations. Each and every Bitter Truth is a reflection from someone’s life, I’ve met recently. It saddens me a lot, to know about these kind of Men around.
But I am happy to know the Wife(s), who work constantly on taking all these in good spirit and learning to enjoy life. Their smile and jovial nature, beyond the Bitter Truths in their life, makes me respect them so much. After all, the Woman is certainly more stronger, mentally. 🙂
UmaS Reflections 
First!!
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FIRST !!! Yay !!! 🙂
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Hi5 to woman power 🙂 ladies really rock 🙂 big no to all time MCP’s
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Exactly – a big no to MCPs….
While I was boiling thru the truths that hit me, these ladies were doing other things to make it easy on them…Amazing Woman Power !!!!
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You know why in-laws try to dominate the wife. They know their sons are selfish and inconsiderate. They want to control the wife so that their sons will stay with them and look after them. That is another bitter truth
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I agree Phoenixritu.
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Ritu, then its a matter of improper up-bringing by the mother herself. The mother failed to bring her son properly and tries to dominate the Dil. Very bitter and totally happening everywhere…
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That’s really sad! Ur friend shud be able to do what she likes 😦
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I know….I am trying to tell her….but its getting very difficult for the relationship. So, she’s keeping quiet. Its totally sad to know abt these kind of men.
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I agree with ritu here… totally agree but I also see that the things are changing indeed
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The women are changing it to get things done for them…their positivity to be beyond these childish matters is helping them. And friends in a group support each other, which helps a lot – its like a counselling session.
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😦 not always…
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The men remain stubborn and not interested to change, Bikram. But the women are changing a lot….
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That was so sad to read, Uma. But you are so right. And agree with Ritu as well!
I just wish women had a better life. Sadly elements of what you wrote about is there in most women’s lives..
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Yeah, the bitter truths are there in everyone’s life in some moment or so….
Lets make it those better lives happen, in whatever way we can.
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Yes, women should continue to smile through the tough times. We have more grit than the world gives us due 🙂
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Just becos of that enormous grit levels, we are sometimes being dumped with all non-sense and crap too, Abha.
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I feel even if men are good sons they have no right to abort or be biased against female children. It is sadly common for women’s life and health (and indirectly their children’s, but since they are girls, they are not valued anyway) are risked for this male child obsession.
I agree….either they fail to be good sons or good fathers or good husbands….its very common to have one of these failures in them….
And I too have seen and met men who fear their wives’ success and also men who think insulting their spouse’s family in acceptable. I feel such men are very unhappy, insecure men and they have never known happiness and confidence or self esteem. It’s possible that they have seen their mothers treated exactly the same way by their fathers.
Possible….or probably they want to make it look that their family is better than the wife’s and doesn’t hesitate to point to at every incident that happens. And more so, they dont even agree that the Wife’s side are human but insist on telling that his family is equivalent to God, for giving the Woman a good life.
Even if women have no choice and they have to live with such men I hope and wish they are able to teach their children that this need not be a way of life and that they can change this when they grow up. Daughters and sons both will live happier lives if they don’t think such traditions need to continue.
Totally agree on that and I am happy when women take up initiatives to change the way her children thinks.
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Whew! what a post! I agree… totally with every word you have written!
And of course what Ritu says makes sense too.
its all social conditioning… we need to make sure that our sons grow up to be wise and mature… this can be done by not stereotyping our children based on gender…
lovely post Ums!
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Thanks Pix…. 🙂
We can stop the stereotyping from now on….but we face the music of what has already been done na ????
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Oh! many husbands I’ve met are jealous of their wives success, I don’t know why!! Why can’t they just be happy for her like she is happy for him. It’s this society and its gendered ways making even the most broad minded people at times turn back and think that some of the traditional gendered ideas were good! It’s all against the woman, that’s the sad part as your examples.
And housework is the best example. A full time job without appreciation or remuneration, and what do people (here men and women alike working or not) say… how do you wile away your time, afterall what is there is managing a home!! When stay at home women ask these questions, it’s certainly falls under the category of Bitter Truth!
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I guess its got to do with the finances….the men always want to have the upper hand in that and never feel happy when the wife earns too. One of the major reasons for failure of marriages, where both of them work.
Oh…how we get along with such bitter truths around us….
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At some levels, IL’s know they can expect the girl to bend.. since she is a girl> There own son might not understand the gravity of the situation.. and hence be rigd. But the wife will be the one who does the grunt work!
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So true Garima….Men are so rigid in understanding the women in their life.
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BTW how are u liking 3 cups of tea?
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Liked the beginning, but its been a long time, since I read that book….too many things happening, I am unable to read a page too, in a day.
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ya, men are sad creatures ! che che ! every woman knows that ! still most of them get married ! and that too to a man ! 😀 😀 😀 😀
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because we women are still wise and know that there are very few men remaining with a decent brain and thinking power and hence women get married to MEN
What you don’t count yourself in this sane category ? 😯
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Not all men are like that Vimmuuu….and sometimes the ghost in him doesnt come out, till he settled finely with his wife. Sometimes its influence from other relatives and friends, which makes him behave like a beast….
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it’s everywhere isn’t it ? 😦
Sadly,my maid has 4 daughters and 1 son and yes no brownie points for guessing that the son is the youngest one and the maid had to give away her 2 daughters to her relative since they couldn’t afford to bring up 5 children….I asked why did you not say no to your husband for trying and trying like this for just a son to that she said the husband was not that eager but the in-laws were and they threatened her that if she refuses to become pregnant they’ll get their son married to another woman ..sigh !
That’s the core society that we dwell into..of course there are deviations too and thankfully some of us educated ones can be counted as the exceptions…but it’s even saddening to know that the educated ones too go behind the ‘son’ fad even today !
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So sad a plight for your maid too…. 😦 I think that these ppl undergo such torture for not to be scorned in the eyes of the society….at their level, everything becomes a problem.
Oh yeah, the educated ones’ stories dont come out so forthright….
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I’ve heard a lot about ‘3 cups of tea’…what’s your view so far ?
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I’ll do a review, once I finish reading… 😉
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“And I too have seen and met men who fear their wives’ success and also men who think insulting their spouse’s family in acceptable. I feel such men are very unhappy, insecure men and they have never known happiness and confidence or self esteem. It’s possible that they have seen their mothers treated exactly the same way by their fathers.”
My husband is one of them mentioned by Indian Homemaker. Any idea how to change this creature. I have two daughters any idea how to raise them so they will not suffere like i do.
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I think simply telling the daughters that this was not going to be their future and it need not be either. The mother would need to be honest and admit that xyz circumstances prevent her from fighting back and she was sure the times were changing and the daughters will NOT need to do that. She could stress on financial independence but also remind them that attitude not economic independence ensures women lead lives of dignity.
The mother could give examples of women in the social circle and family,of women who are strong, preferably financially self reliant and she could ask the daughters to observe (as they grow older) how they were different from women who are easily bullied. The only difference is in the attitude. Courage and self confidence helps more than anything else. Support from family/mother helps tremendously too.
And one thing that gives confidence is the knowledge that no matter what, the mother stands by the daughters always. Be they obedient or not, traditional or not, class toppers or average students, they should know that the mother would – if required defy the father and the rest of the world, when it comes to the daughters’ welfare – like their education (studying in another city for example), marriage (who they marry, choice marriage or arranged marriage, when they marry etc.)
Finally I think it is crucial that the daughters understand that the mother is not satisfied with her circumstances and would not want the same repeated with her daughters.
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WOW, thats a brilliant one, IHM….I loved the last line especially.
“it is crucial that the daughters understand that the mother is not satisfied with her circumstances and would not want the same repeated with her daughters.” – if the mother has the courage to do this, then nothing can stop her.
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This post makes me so sad. So very sad. So many such stories around. So many women leading such life 😐
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Some biases always persist 😐 sad truth…
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Wow. It is very sad, you’re right. I guess its upto the women to take a stand , however difficult it may seem.
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Women are responsible for their own miseries to an extent! Why do they have to take such things? I know someone who is educated, financially independent, her first born is a son yet when her husband pressurized her for a second child, she succumbed to it, even though her health didn’t permit.
What stops her from taking a stand? I tell you, women behave like the weaker sex. No excuses here!
And yeah, twenty years ago my mom’ maid didn’t want a child after she had two but her husband was no better than the guy you wrote about. She aborted the child and got operated. if back then she could do it in similar circumstance then why can’t other women do so as well?
Frustrating to hear such people rant
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Uma, you are right. Most of us would have seen such instances around us. And, at least some of the bitter truths, if not all, are felt and acknowledged by most married women. These characteristics are not restricted to any class or community, can be seen at all levels 😦 Sigh!
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