Art helps me to heal

As I sat with my art today, I became aware of the thoughts that arose! I was suddenly thinking about the times I had tried to get a job but it didn’t work out for me then. Those were times when I was a young mother and I was looking out for work options during the time my daughters went to school. I tried freelancing options and upgraded myself with the latest in software development, but nothing worked out then! I felt very disappointed when my job applications didn’t develop into an interview call!

My first job as a Hardware Engineer, just out of college, was a breeze and I enjoyed the learning that came with the job! When I switched to Software, again my first job with the IT industry was too good and I had a great team who were part of my learning process there! I consciously took a break when I went the family way thinking that I could pursue it later after my children went to school. But it didn’t happen that way!

There were times I yearned for the financial freedom that came with a job, longed for interaction with people who loved the challenge of software programming and also secretly wished to get out of too much of household chores! These thoughts were momentary! When I looked at my daughters, all my doubts cleared up and I felt so good to be there for them! I totally enjoyed motherhood as I watched my daughters grow up into two beautiful human beings. I have no regrets there!

Today I sat thinking about those moments when I wanted a job and didn’t get one! I felt a big rush of emotions to hug that young mother within me, for all the yearnings and disappointments she went through, without sharing with anyone! While she went ahead with life with a smile on her face, she held within those moments of disappointment concerning her job search. I hold her close today and we learn to accept those moments of disappointments! I sat with those memories today and spoke aloud about all the emotions that went with that! I thank my art which helped me today to do this inner-child healing! I have lived through those moments but today I made peace with it!

While I did my art and kept talking about those memories, there came a line that stumped me

“All those moments of disappointments were essential in my life for me to be in this space right now!”

I can appreciate the work I do right now and I enjoy the solitude moments that my work helps me to get! If I had taken up any job…hmmm….maybe my yogic journey could have been on a different timeline.

But I am here right now, as a Yoga teacher trying my best to bring in the Ashtanga learnings in my everyday life! This is possible only with all that I have experienced previously in my life! And I appreciate my presence here, in this moment!

Who knows me better than me?

I stood under the shower
Allowing the water to wash me
To cleanse my skin and hair
Of any dust and dirt
As I wanted to feel clean!

Am I clean, from within?
What does being clean mean to me?
I know what is within me…
The things that I hold
And the many things that hold me!

I know when I fumble
When I mess up
Manipulate
And when I lie…
I do them consciously at times.
And then survival mode takes over…
I share my deepest fears
Very subtly
Scared of being discovered
Of what I hold inside!

Maybe there has been healing
And growth
A certain kind of courage
Boldness
In showing my vulnerable side
In speaking my mind
And the heart too…

What do I know deep within?
How much knowledge do I hold?
How do I apply this knowledge?
When I speak, where do my words come from?
Is my laughter genuine?
Is my love from my heart?
Do I really have compassion?
Can I trust?

I have this pair of shoes
That is mine
Only mine
And fits only me!
No one knows what it is made of
Nor what kind it is…
Only I know my shoes!
I walk in it every moment…

Others may perceive my shoes
As the Cinderella ones
Or the all-purpose Bata ones!
It may look like the sturdy Snowshoes
Or the waterproof boots!
It may appear to have spikes for better grip
Or it may just slide like the skiing shoes!
Sometimes, what I share about my shoes
Cannot define it completely
All that my shoes hold
As language has its own limitations!

Who can say that they know me very well?
Isn’t it “a tip of the iceberg” understanding?

I am my Consciousness!
This Consciousness knows all that is me
The parts within me
That I hide from others
That I cringe from accepting
That I have healed
That feels crazy
That makes me a warrior
That seeks knowledge
That is curious about life
That makes me draw boundaries
That makes me compassionate
That makes me love myself
More than anyone else!
No one can fully understand this entirety called ME
Except ME!

An experience at Guruvayoor

My brother was insistent on making a trip with my amma, me, and my sister. This talk was going on for a long time. And finally, we made a trip to Guruvayoor, Thrissur, and Alleppey. I didn’t have any great agenda except that I wanted my amma to feel happy and enjoy this trip with her children. I think we have never traveled like this before. Even before we three of us got married, we never got together for a family trip. So, this trip felt special!

We landed at Guruvayoor on the auspicious Narayaneeyam day (14th December) and amid the Sabarimala season! Everywhere I turned, people were waiting to get a darshan of that little Unni Krishnan! There were special entrance queues, senior citizen queues, and the regular darshan queue. All of them were full and going strong as the day moved.

I am very grateful to my friend Meena who had a special darshan arranged for us and we were to meet this person S at 11am, at a particular place in the temple. Neither have we seen him before nor he has seen us. We just took a chance and waited till 11.25am, hoping that he would recognize us somehow! I wondered aloud if this person is taking time to come, maybe I should get a special darshan ticket.

I looked up and said “Krishna”, it felt like a yearning to see Him!

And then comes this person S who we were supposed to meet. He just knew us and came to me and asked “Uma?” I nodded gratefully! He guided all of us to the special entrance. I had this excited feeling to meet this Unni Krishna! I walked slowly with the crowd…

And then there I was – standing in front of Him and all I could see was brilliant light! I wondered where can I see His face!

I realized He had been decorated with all the paraphernalia and that glitter was not allowing me to see Him properly! By the time my eyes got used to the glitter, I was asked to move and there I came out, feeling left out in that embrace!

My memory of visiting Guruvayoor Krishna temple feels very faint as it happened when I was a young mother. Over the years, the picture of Guruvayoorappan – the one that is available everywhere – is what is etched in memory. Now I felt that my eyes were looking forward to this visual treat of looking at Krishna and making a new memory.

I asked S if he could arrange for one more darshan as I couldn’t see Krishna so clearly. He asked us to come back again in the evening by 7pm.

I was feeling elated and started planning to do other things before going to the temple by 7 in the evening. We ate lunch, rested for some time, and visited the Mammiyoor Sivan temple. We relished the tea in those small tea shops around the temple. In the meantime, Meena suggested that I visit the elephants and that I would love that! I was thinking about how my amma would handle all the traveling and sort of dropped that idea.

And I was continuing my planning – he he 😀 – mentally I had allocated 1 hour at the temple, then dinner, and then early to bed for we all had a long day! And we had planned to start early the next day to Thrissur.

We were at the temple by 7pm. I was eager to see Unni Krishna!

S didn’t turn up till 7.55pm. We just spoke aloud that we shall wait for 5 more minutes and then go for dinner.

The moment we uttered those words, he came and said he got delayed. He asked us to wait for some time. Then around 8.15pm, S took us in through the special entrance again and we joined the queue for darshan.
I kept praying “Krishna, open my eyes well so that I will be able to see you”! I asked the lady who was asking us to move “What decoration is that?” She said “Alilai Kannan”.
I went closer and I saw a beautifully decorated “Alilai Kannan”!

Again, because of the decoration, His face was not clear! I wondered what to do – two times I went to see Him, but couldn’t see His face properly to make a memory within me.

Then we waited inside the temple for some more time as S asked us to wait.

After 15 to 20 minutes, all of us had the darshan of our lives – we were taken individually to stand in front of Krishna for darshan! What a divine grace!

I stared – I made an intention to open my mind’s eyes – I wished to see His beautiful face!

And what a vision He gave! It felt like a shower of blessings!

As we were coming out, we saw the lamps along the walls of the Sanctum Santorum being readied with oil and wick. I asked when they would light it and they said around 9.

We quickly went to eat dinner so that we could be back soon to watch the lamps being lit. As we were going out, I saw the Temple elephant being given a bath and I was looking forward to seeing the decorated elephant too. All of us were back at the temple in no time to watch the lamps and elephants.

There were 3 elephants nicely decorated and waiting.

The first elephant took the idol of Unni Krishna and with the accompaniments of the drums went two rounds around the Sanctum Santorum. This was such a beautiful sight – something I had never seen before!

I understood the reason behind what all happened in the morning darshan, the yearning to see Krishna again, the delayed entry by S – everything led me to this moment. Even though it sounds cliche, “everything happens for good and a reason beyond human understanding”! We take time to understand the reasoning because we are limited in our thinking.

The prepared lamps were lit by the devotees in the temple and we also joined in. Lighting a lamp at a temple is such a blessing and what a beautiful culmination is happening to my day!

For the third round, all three elephants joined. Each one next to the other, the one in the center carried Unni Krishna and the other two were carrying umbrellas. The child God is taken on elephants which rock him gently before He goes to sleep. This ritual called Sriveli is done every night.

When the elephants stayed at the same place playing, they played “Krishna nee begane baaro” on the nadaswaram. The melody of the song asks him to come fast so that He can rest – this is something I experienced with goosebumps and accepted this whole day’s events as the grace of the Divine!

Meena said that Krishna being a child had played hide and seek with me and I was overjoyed that He chose to play this part with me. I also got to see the elephants as Meena wished for me!

What I understood from this whole experience was to surrender to the happenings of the day as though it was the best experience I could have! And every day turns out beautifully to enhance the joy of living!

Thinking aloud, as I breathe…

This morning I was guiding my students of Pranayama class through a series of suggestions by Thich Nhat Hanh as given in his book “How to Focus”. I was helping them to stay focused on their breath by following the guidance given in his book.

As I sat with my breath for practice, these were my thoughts:

Is my Breathing In an act of Masculine energy? The words that came up in sequence were accumulating / hoarding. Breathing In is “moving forward” into another breath, another moment in my life. I think this is masculine energy.

At the same time, to Breathe In, I have to be in a frame of “receiving”! Only then, the breath can find space internally. This receiving is feminine energy.

For the act of Breathing In, both the masculine and feminine energies are present in balance for the Inhale to happen!

The words that came up for Breathing Out were “let go” / “detached”! I understood that there has to be a complete surrender (feminine energy) to this breath that I am exhaling and willing to let go! Otherwise, it will become a challenge to free that breath!

It also brings into the picture, the idea of “hope” – which is masculine energy! It is this hope of the next inhale that gives me the comfort to surrender the present exhale.

And I understood the concept of Ardhanareeswarar – where Shiva and Sakthi form the right and left sides of the body. For every act of masculine energy, there is an underlying feminine energy as a support for its execution. Similarly, for every act of feminine energy, the masculine energy completely supports it. It is this concept that is being felt in every breath of ours.

We prepare ourselves to receive (feminine) – Inhalation is the process of giving energy to the body (Masculine)!

We surrender (feminine) to the breath that is getting ready to be exhaled and this is done with the hope (masculine) of a new breath!

It is amazing to see how we walk – every right foot forward is masculine by nature – we move toward our places of interest, action, and goals! Every left foot is feminine supporting our move forward in whatever direction we would like to go. The point that we can ponder here is – Is my moving forward (actions) supported well by emotions and thoughts? This is the balance that can keep us healthy and moving forward in life!

Support

For the past one week, I had a lots of travel to do, within the city. Breakfast and lunch was planned and packed if need be. One of the days, there was a function to attend, which involved wearing a sari.

To the person I was 10 years back, all these were not jobs at all. I was excited and thrilled with the travel. I loved the idea of packing food and eating from the dabba. I loved attending functions and dressing up for it. So all these “jobs” were a breeze!

The person I am now is different and evolved (I think so 😉) The above mentioned are jobs which needed extensive planning both physical and emotional. I needed to prepare myself for every job or work. I needed time to process what is in store for me.

The past few years of going through perimenopause, then menopause have had its effects on the physical body and the emotional one too! The loss of dear ones added to the emotional toll!

To deal with all these things felt like a challenge for me, initially! I didn’t feel like cooking most of the days. I didn’t have the josh to do anything on many days.

And later I realised one thing while going through this all – this is no challenge – this is not me against my body or emotions! I don’t need to challenge it all!

I found an easier way – supporting my body. Whenever I felt the challenge coming through me, I paused. I sat quietly and listened to my body. And I simply offered Support to my body. I talked to my body about the upcoming travel or meet with another person, prepared it and asked my body for Support during this time. I sat through those emotions, understood where it came from and held myself, gave my emotions the Support it needed.

I felt a huge relief as I supported my feelings, my body. I have never felt this good in my life!

Zoom

2 years of the pandemic has brought a lot of things under the zoom lens of life – relationships between people, the roles and responsibilities of employed parents, and the way they managed work and home. The sudden shutdown of in-person meets and interactions led to a lot of upheaval of emotions on the home front. Many people found it difficult not to be able to meet their parents.

People were living inside the world of their phones and laptop and not being aware of what was happening around them – in their homes or office. This pandemic brought them out to feel that life cannot survive around just the phone and laptop. It reinstated the fact that people seeing others and interacting is very much required for maintaining good mental health.

Offices zoomed into the homes of their employees through the Zoom app! Since working from home became the norm for a majority of the employees, many of them who were staying far away from home moved to their hometowns and spent time with their family and at the same time being committed to working over Zoom interactions. It was a challenge to many as they had to manage both work and home, the noises and TV to be managed during work calls,

Teachers zoomed into the homes of their students and sought help from people at home to keep the child within the frame so that they can see their students. So either the parents or the grandparents got involved with this process. It helped them realize the job of the teacher and the challenges they face. Teaching a child is no more the only responsibility of the teacher where the parents can easily blame the school or the teacher. It has rather become a beautiful blend of responsibilities. Even though the children miss the interaction with others in person, Zoom classes helped in some way to keep the child involved in some learning.

There might be a lot of disadvantages felt by the parents and teachers but the situation was like that and I think it was the best we could do!

I had just completed my Yoga Teacher Training Program in Dec 2019 and I took 2 students at home to teach yoga asana. Just when I was getting used to the idea of “how to teach” and “how to observe the students and their movements”, the pandemic started and I had to stop the classes. While I was wondering how to go about the classes, Zoom gave me the confidence to go ahead. I started my classes online and if not for Zoom, I wouldn’t have been able to reach all the people in different countries.

When people were forced to stay indoors during the lockdown periods, it led to a lot of emotional health challenges among many. The need for coaches, and therapists started increasing. The need for improving the emotional health of people became very important. Even though in-person counseling is the most advantageous, Zoom call counseling and coaching still helped. People reached out to help regulate their anxieties about what will happen with this pandemic, the stress of looking at screens all through the day. And I did my little bit by helping people understand the right way to breathe and how emotional upheavals can be lessened with the right breathing techniques along with therapy.

Many times I have felt that the pandemic has helped people to pause their busy lives and take an audit of what is happening with their life. It has helped people understand the need for rest and rejuvenation.

The pandemic zoomed into our lives suddenly! We managed to keep our lives going with Zoom. Now, it is the time to zoom into the health aspect of our lives instead of the constant hustling.

Unburden

I think I have chosen such a challenging word today, for there is so much to write about this word and what it means to me in my life! Let me delve into one of the aspects here.

There are things and perceptions in life which may feel very comfortable and something to be proud of, during a particular phase of life and then the same may feel like a burden. Here, I am talking about my uterus. I was so proud of it when I got it for the first time even though I faced menstrual cramps every month. There was also a kind of peer pressure in my class when all the girls who were going through menstrual cycles will meet secretly and discuss things. I wanted very badly to be a part of that group. I was delighted by the fact that women are the ones who have the physical advantage to help in the creation of another life and to hold the child inside for 9 long months.

Every time I had to go through the menstrual cramps, I would tell myself that this is the place of creating another life! I would be dying inside with the pain but I kept telling myself that this is all for the good and that one day I will be holding a child inside my uterus.

I burdened my body with this thought and went through the cramps every month with gritted teeth. I didn’t know what other options I had and at that time I didn’t want to look at any option.

The burden of the pain was kept at bay and sugar-coated. Every doctor I consulted gave me just pain killers and advised me to bear it – it is considered as a part of the menstrual cycles.

None of them wanted to do a pelvic scan to a girl who was not yet married, for simple reasons like menstrual cramps.

And then they gave me ideas – that when I get married, the pain will go away! Haha 😀 They put ideas in my head that menstrual cramps are cured by sexual intercourse.

But pooooffff to their ideas! I was still burdened with that pain, after marriage, and after blah blah blah!

Then came the next round of suggestions – maybe the delivery of a child will help in relieving me from the pain. Oh really? It turns out that both my children were born out of C-section surgery and the required expansion of the pelvic bone didn’t happen. And I continued with the pain every month.

It worsened when I hit peri-menopause and then later menopause. I felt burdened by the many years of being with the menstrual pain! There was no more delight in the idea that women are the only ones to carry a child inside.

And now I feel unburdened! The cycles don’t happen! There are no suggestions or sugar-coated solutions.

I have met a lot of women who sail through their menstrual cycles as though nothing has happened. It was a cyclical storm for me for nearly 4 decades! I wonder how I went through it.

There are a lot of things that I understand now about my body, my pain, and sometimes feel the burden I was carrying inside my head contributed to this pain syndrome!

May we all learn the art of unburdening – whether it is pain or anything!

Kinder by 1%

I try to begin my day with an intention like this – let me be 1% kinder than yesterday! Easier said than done – this is a lot of effort but worth every moment of it!

This happened recently – I came across an artificial jewelry seller on Instagram, as I love these big chunky pieces of jewelry esp the jhumkas. I contacted her and ordered first. And I was very happy with the service that I have been buying regularly from her. Recently, I ordered a necklace to send as a gift to this person L. I received it neatly packed and without even opening it to check (my trust in the seller being the reason), sent the gift across to L. It was received well and then I came to know the link chain with the hook was missing from the necklace. I contacted the seller – before she replied to my text, I was drowning in my own thoughts – is it wrong to trust that seller? – why didn’t I check it completely before sending it across? – This has never happened before…why now?

Then I stopped thinking about this and went to do some yoga. I distracted myself from it and did chanting as I did yogasana.

I got a reply from the seller stating that she had sent the link chain separately and she asked me to check the cover. I hid my face under the table. Thinking that clutter-free is the norm, I had thrown away that cover without checking the contents on the same day itself.

I sat and thought about the whole thing. I can either be critical of my actions or keep sulking all day long. I can direct all this to the seller and tell her to take the blame for this incident. But both options will not solve the need – to deliver the link chain to the person who needs it.

I decided to be 1% kinder to myself than yesterday. This was an important moment – the changeover happened at that moment.

So I sent a message to L, accepting that there has been a mistake and I will send the link chain soon. She was quite OK with it. I suddenly realized how simple this turned out to be than breaking my head over the fact that I needed to be the perfect human being doing everything perfectly, according to my standards.

And like this and in many small ways, the practice of kindness is slowly and gently becoming a part of my life.

There is this sense of kindness to my body – listening to it groan, rumble, creak and tries to tell me something. This was my first step. The second part that I committed to do was to be kind with my breath, to watch it and allow it be and then slowly bringing in the nudge to do better. This kindness towards myself is something that keeps me going day after day with a sense of joy and appreciation.

To all the people who come across my path and whose path is not clear to me, let me be 1% kinder than yesterday.

To my husband who carries all the stress and anxiety into the home from his workplace, let me be 1% kinder to him than yesterday.

To my daughters who are caught up in their web of careers and friends, let me be 1% kinder to them than yesterday.

To those people who are dear to me and who have their own life to live and sometimes miss texting or calling back, let me be 1% kinder than yesterday.

It also instills inside me a deep sense to draw boundaries so that I can be kind to myself first. And then, from within those boundaries, I am trying my best to practice this “1% kinder than yesterday”!

The beginning of the journey – 4

The bloom

This journey of mine in the path of yoga was no easy task for me. Every new concept or idea I studied nudged me to get out of my shell – the kind of perfectionist fort that I had built around me. It started to show in my writing too. My very old posts were trying to convey something that happened to me but through the eyes of a story. The acceptance of the situation did not happen then. There were writings that dealt with everything in the third person.

Now I write from my heart – thankful to a lightweaver’s amazing writing workshop. It helped me to write the stories as they happened to me. I was able to articulate this is how I changed or this is how I healed. And I feel the sigh of relief when the words escape me and get latched on to the document.

I was a proper “to-do list” person. I generally have a plan for the day, for the week, the month, and the year too. And when things happen differently from my plan I was not very accepting towards it. I used to resist it. I didn’t want things to happen differently than what I had envisioned. It was difficult for me. And when I was forced to do those things, I did them but internally I sulked. I carried it in my heart. I was constantly on the complaint mode – talking about someone or something that didn’t go my way!

Now that I think of it, I see those moments were the triggers that I could have grasped with open hands and enabled the change to happen inside me. But then, it is ok. I learned this very important lesson in my life at the right time, for me.

And the lesson that I learned and keep embracing even now is – “Go with the flow”

I had made some progress with changes in the to-do list and started accepting the fact that certain things are not in my control. That was a huge one to take in, digest, and live with on a day-to-day basis. But I survived that part.

I want to share this story in this context. One night, as I was about to sleep, I saw an Instagram story of a dear friend. Looking at her story on some iconic picture of Chennai, I messaged her and asked if she was in the city. She said yes. And then came another message from her – “Can you travel to Auroville with me?” That message came as a big surprise – this was the first one. I read aloud the message to my husband. He was like “Do what you want” – this was the second one. This was a huge thing considering the fact that I have to cancel my classes suddenly to make a trip. I have never traveled with friends before. Before I got married, I had traveled with friends for attending a wedding. It was a big group. After getting married, it was always with the family. This kind of opportunity never happened (or maybe I didn’t see such opportunities). It was not that I was looking for some approval from the husband. But once he said those words, it hit me – Was I the one seeking approval all the time?

I just closed my eyes, placed one hand over my heart, repeated that question from my friend, and asked myself “What do I feel right now?”

I felt little butterflies in my stomach. I felt the excitement inside me. I felt the urge to go along with my friend. And I said yes to myself and to my friend.

That trip changed so many things inside me. I had moments all by myself – to be my childish self in the pool, to be my enlightened self as I introspected, to be my curious self as I went along unknown paths! I was thrilled to bits and at the same time felt a deep connection to my own self.

That beautiful bond of friendship strengthened further.

All these amazing self-realizations were made possible only when I went with the flow of the Universe! I learned that when something is placed in the path of my life, it is placed for a reason – for some change, for some understanding, for something better – here is a nudge to something! And when I looked at it with child-like curiosity I was able to feel the nudge changing me subtly so that I learn to enjoy this moment, as it comes, as it presents itself.

The beginning of the journey – 3

I can actually draw a line in my thought process and name it like – Before Yoga (before 2018) and After Yoga (after Aug 2018). They are so different like the Earth and the Sky. Each one had its reasons and place in my memory bank. The person I am now is embracing all these thoughts that happened because those thoughts paved the way for what I am today!

I used to think that Yoga refers only to the practice of asanas. It was only after the study of Yogasutras that I understood that Yoga is actually a way of life. The ashtanga yoga as proposed in Yogasutra is a great way to live life. It encourages changes from the inside, in our thoughts, actions and slowly we see a change in our perceptions. And suddenly we see that everything around us has changed. It started within us first.

There was a comment by my dear friend for my previous blog post and I had replied that I look forward to her comment! As I typed that, I realized that I have come a long way from who I was Before Yoga. For every action of mine, I felt that there was a tight ball filled with expectations, and when it didn’t happen, I shrunk inside and judged people.

Life was trying desperately to teach me this lesson on letting go of expectations from others and situations too. The lessons came in many forms through many people. But I was a tough nut to crack probably.

When I trained to be a Yoga teacher, I was so keen on learning about the human body and what happens when we do particular postures. A person with physical discomfort in any part of the body will not be able to do those postures which increase the discomfort. And if I continue with my expectations that a student of mine will – has to – do all the postures I teach, I would have been in for a shock. That particular learning about the human body and how to teach postures differently to different people, without expecting a perfect posture was a great lesson for me.

This led me to a better understanding of the people around me and I slowly stopped expecting people to do something or behave in a certain way. I learned the hard way to be ok with however they did it. It was not at all an easy path. It took so much time for me to understand that what others are doing is their own journey of life and that I need not wrack my brain for people doing things differently than what I had thought.

So, to put it across shortly – As a yoga teacher, I observe my students’ postures and breath. I suggest improvements based on their body’s capability. The suggestions are given because they have come to learn from me.

In real life too, I can only observe what other people do and behave. I draw boundaries to protect my space and suggest only when asked for.

I hope you were able to make sense of this rambling…