Voice

After my Appa passed away in 2010, I didn’t delete his landline number from my mobile. If I let it ring for that whole minute, then I could hear my Appa’s recorded voice at the end of the ringing stating that he is unable to attend the call! I used to listen to his voice like this, whenever I missed him or felt like hearing his voice. I also had this childish urge that Appa will attend my call!

Appa had a deep voice that resonated with his personality! His intentions and the way he executed his intentions always touched deep into the soul.

The biggest gift that Appa gave me was letting me be myself in all that I tried to do with my life and the way he gave his support to all that I did. And if I have some sense of music and an ear to appreciate good music, the credit goes to Appa for instilling that good music sense in me! From Carnatic music to ghazals to movie songs, he played them all at home.

After some time, while updating some software on my phone, all the data got erased and Appa’s number was also erased. I could have keyed it in again. But I didn’t.

Maybe I had progressed a little spiritually, by then. I learned to feel his presence in my memories and in the things he liked doing.

Nowadays, I just close my eyes and I can hear Appa and his deep voice, inside me! And somehow, I find this more comforting!

Unburden

I think I have chosen such a challenging word today, for there is so much to write about this word and what it means to me in my life! Let me delve into one of the aspects here.

There are things and perceptions in life which may feel very comfortable and something to be proud of, during a particular phase of life and then the same may feel like a burden. Here, I am talking about my uterus. I was so proud of it when I got it for the first time even though I faced menstrual cramps every month. There was also a kind of peer pressure in my class when all the girls who were going through menstrual cycles will meet secretly and discuss things. I wanted very badly to be a part of that group. I was delighted by the fact that women are the ones who have the physical advantage to help in the creation of another life and to hold the child inside for 9 long months.

Every time I had to go through the menstrual cramps, I would tell myself that this is the place of creating another life! I would be dying inside with the pain but I kept telling myself that this is all for the good and that one day I will be holding a child inside my uterus.

I burdened my body with this thought and went through the cramps every month with gritted teeth. I didn’t know what other options I had and at that time I didn’t want to look at any option.

The burden of the pain was kept at bay and sugar-coated. Every doctor I consulted gave me just pain killers and advised me to bear it – it is considered as a part of the menstrual cycles.

None of them wanted to do a pelvic scan to a girl who was not yet married, for simple reasons like menstrual cramps.

And then they gave me ideas – that when I get married, the pain will go away! Haha 😀 They put ideas in my head that menstrual cramps are cured by sexual intercourse.

But pooooffff to their ideas! I was still burdened with that pain, after marriage, and after blah blah blah!

Then came the next round of suggestions – maybe the delivery of a child will help in relieving me from the pain. Oh really? It turns out that both my children were born out of C-section surgery and the required expansion of the pelvic bone didn’t happen. And I continued with the pain every month.

It worsened when I hit peri-menopause and then later menopause. I felt burdened by the many years of being with the menstrual pain! There was no more delight in the idea that women are the only ones to carry a child inside.

And now I feel unburdened! The cycles don’t happen! There are no suggestions or sugar-coated solutions.

I have met a lot of women who sail through their menstrual cycles as though nothing has happened. It was a cyclical storm for me for nearly 4 decades! I wonder how I went through it.

There are a lot of things that I understand now about my body, my pain, and sometimes feel the burden I was carrying inside my head contributed to this pain syndrome!

May we all learn the art of unburdening – whether it is pain or anything!