An update, A loss, A lesson learnt…

To the many of you, who read about my “LET GO” test, I promised you an update and here it is.

My heart raced with excitement sometimes and there were other low times too !! Many people asked me “What will you do when your daughter gets married and goes to her new home ?? If you can’t manage this separation, how can you manage that??”

Since this is the first time in my 18 years of life as a mother, where me and daughter are living in different places, I needed time to come to terms with that. And I think, I’ve done that successfully, as I seem to be having lovely conversations with my daughter without the racing emotions hitting my eyes. That’s a great step and a successful measure of me passing the test with flying colors. What do you say ??

Before leaving for college, I took my daughter to see my grandmother.

A 87 year old woman, who has lived a very difficult life after getting married at the age of 13. But all I remember of her is her smile and soft hands and that amazing soft voice to heal all the problems in this world.  She had been bed-ridden since January, sleeping peacefully, catching up on all the sleep she missed, during her young years.  We had to literally jolt her, sometimes forcibly open her mouth to feed her some milk.

My daughter went near my grandmother and called out loudly in her ears – “Paaaati, naan college-kku poitu varen” ! (Patti, I’ll go to college and come)

And for one brief moment, we saw my grandmother blink her eyes open and see – we just can’t make out what she sees, as she couldn’t express herself.  But we took it as a sign that she listened to the words of her great-granddaughter.

And I happily took the train, to drop my daughter off in her college and to help her get settled in the hostel.

The day I settled my daughter in the hostel and came to the hotel room, I was a mixed bag of emotions and just slept off owing to a highly tiring day.

The next morning, we went to the nearby Krishna temple, and kept hitting on the bell continuously, for the reverberations made the heart go silent and peaceful inside.

As I come out of the temple, I got a call that my lovable patti is no more !!!  My patti was a great devotee of Krishna and what an apt moment for her to reach his lotus feet. What was I praying for ??? For her salvation from this earthly suffering ???

Our train tickets were booked for the night and by taking that train, I’ll miss out on the funeral. So, we cancelled the train tickets, bought tickets by bus – for a continuous 18 hour journey to Chennai, knowing pretty well about my sickness associated with bus travel.

We are forced to do things out of the ordinary, during situations like these and I am no excuse – I wanted to see my patti.

That was one horrible bus journey !!! The sickness, which made me vomit quite continuously, made me embarrassed, ashamed, angry at myself !!!  Tears were streaming down on my cheeks but I cared a damn that people might see that I am crying !!!

What am I crying for ??? To leave my daughter in her college ??? Or for my patti, who is totally dear to my heart ??? I didn’t care…I just wanted to cry !!! When we got down during a break, from the bus, the rain drenched me, purifying me, engulfing my tears with its own and I felt better !!!

Reaching home, to my patti, who has even bathed my daughter when she was born, who was a beautiful symbol of love in real form, was an emotional experience for me !!!

Now, how do things happen to us, sometimes too many things at the same time ??? How can the human mind or heart deal with it ??? I was clueless, when a dear friend, to whom I had cried my heart out, replied by email, today morning.

God creates such situations, so that one situation helps to deal with the other one !!! Now, that’s a profound thought and I really admire God’s ways to make me come to terms with things, in a different way.

Everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad and let God help me to remember this always !!!


13 Replies to “An update, A loss, A lesson learnt…”

  1. Hi Uma ,
    yeah too many at the same time . I am also attached to my grandmother. She was a strength to the whole family , she is no more and after 10 years , even today I miss her in every walk of my life . my grandmother did not see my kids . you are lucky that you had her till now . still , the thought that we will never meet again cannot be replaced . very sorry for your loss .

    hugs !


  2. Hugs to you. I can completely relate to those emotions.
    Condolence for the loss of paati. Paati’s are truely special people.
    Good luck to your daughter.


  3. Separation was never easy. I feel this way each time I wave goodbye to Mom and she expectantly waits for me to ring her up and tell her when I will be back next.
    I have no words that can comfort you. So I am sending across a tight hug.


  4. felt so sorry for what you have gone through Uma! couldnt comment after reading this yesterday so cameback now.
    console yourself and move on Uma! both your patti and your daughter have moved to next step in their life. we can only watch them.
    my best wishes to your daughter!. let her come out with flying colours!


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