I wonder…

if I’ve the right to choose my daughter’s friends.

This thought has been going on in my mind for sometime now. And the adolescence makes it difficult for me, the mother.

Whether it’s a presentation, taking xerox, buying cds and copying files for submitting, buying charts and colors and sometimes taking the blame too – falls on the little one’s tiny shoulders. I am hurt as a mother that the other children quietly dump all the job on her, instead of doing it as a group project.

There are moments when I feel that my daughter is taken for a ride by her smarty-pant friends and that my daughter is so naive to understand such selfish relationships. I hurry towards her and hug her. Reason with her and explain the whole damn selfishness behind that and she calmly smiles at me to say that she knows that already. And still she wants to do it for her friends – knowing that she is being taken for a ride !!! 😯 Now, what kind of girl is she ??? 😯

I climb up a few steps towards the highest enlightenment about this Adolescence and skid terribly every time I deal with the situation.

Don’t I have to give the credit to my daughter to learn and understand the relationships around her, all by herself ??? Yes, I have to.

Don’t I have to give her the freedom to go forward ??? Yes, I have to.

But, sometimes I wish that I have the ability to choose my daughter’s friends to actually protect her from the hurt she might encounter later. And this girl wants to learn all by herself. I surely didn’t know when my baby grew up to take such decisions on her own !!!


40 Replies to “I wonder…”

  1. we cant always do that , chose friends for kids, These things will happen no matter wht we do..
    Time flies .. it ws only yesterday i had come ot uk and now it almost a decade gone by, my friends have got married and some are parents now …

    I know eaxctly how ur daughter feels , been there , but she will be fine , soon a day will come when she will realise who is who, if you force then that will go against as kids try to do the opposite of what they are told ..

    She will be fine Just fine .. God bless her ..


  2. I can totally understand your situation Uma! or the situation my mother was put some years back! My mom used to worry like that!
    I used to do assignments for 2-3 so-called-friends of mine, go around to ambattur indsutrial estate all alone to complete the project work (which is supposed to be done by a group of 6 people)! And the best thing (or worst ) is that so-called-friend doesn’t give a damn to you or would try to reciprocate same kind of help for us when we are in need of them! May be it may take its own course for her to realise this, or she might get a bit more cautious with what you intend to say her and react proactively!


    1. Am glad Anu…to know that there are mothers out there to share my feelings. Hugs to ur mother !!! It’ll be great to learn a few things from her.

      And from what I see of you, I think I can put my mind to rest and that all will be well with my daughter and her friendships too. Hugs.


  3. Yep..its tough na…your daughter is an adolescent…in my case R is only 3 and yet yet…I want to choose her friends..Gah to my thoughts though….dont worry Uma..at the end of the day, you have brought them up right…they know the difference between the right and the wrong okie…hugs from one mom to another πŸ™‚


  4. You can’t make her choices for her Uma. It hurts to see your kid being taken for a ride … but then, all we can do as parents is be there when they realize it and break the friendship. They have to learn their own lessons


    1. I think so too Ritu…but sometimes the motherly love wants to protect more than to allow to learn from mistakes. I am more strong now, thanks to all your comments. Hugs. πŸ™‚


  5. My two cents: If you let her find that out for herself she will be a better judge of people next time and will be more confident in her friend circle too. If you do it for her, she will keep hoping that you are going to look out for her and in the process not be able to take decisions herself. That said, you could probably guide her like you are already doing right now.


  6. But, sometimes I wish that I have the ability to choose my daughter’s friends to actually protect her from the hurt she might encounter later. And this girl wants to learn all by herself.

    I understand. But you can only advise her. It’s upto her whether to take the advice or not. She needs to learn by making her own mistakes. The best you can do is be there for her when she falters and not try to judge her by her choices. πŸ™‚


  7. I guess motherly instincts precede over everything else. We want to protect our kids from the ugly things in life but I guess experiencing is the best way to learn and u r doing just fine by letting her do that πŸ™‚


  8. Yes, the instinct to choose the kid’s friends is terribly strong in the mother….I know, I share the disease.
    But as hitchy so beautifully pointed out, the fawn must learn to save itself. You can only give pointers.


  9. Uma, I can so understand this. Poohi is just 5, and I have already come across this. How I wish I could protect her in every way possible.. But I guess sometimes, all we can do is give them all the support they need, and hope that they are strong enough to bear the hurt -if it comes their way. Hugs!!! I am sure I am going to need all your advice in a few years to come!


  10. Though I am not a mother myself I can truly understand what you are feeling. At the onset it might seem to be a very welcome thought but later on it loses its sheen. I am sure she doing it by herself and learning a few important lessons of life herself will help her evolve as a better individual. Not that your love will not…but this surely helps. Because in future there might be so many other decisions where she will have to make a choice herself and be prepared to face the results of them too.

    Wish you all the luck !!



  11. Uma it is really hard to see your child being used by her friends and the best you can do is explain to her what seems to be happening and discuss how to tackle this and why this is not a healthy rship…and guide her to work it out…I am sure that in time if you strengthen her you will help her weed out unneeded friendships and know wht to do when this happens now and later on too Good luck and hugs


  12. I am yet to reach the stage where my daughter has friends I guess :), but I can tell from my childhood, that there were times when my parents did tell me what they thought of certain people I spent time with. I was angry at them being judgmental at times, and didn’t really pay heed, but sub consciously, I was always on my guard, and that perhaps helped a lot.
    So, I would think that though you cannot tell an adolescent who to be friends with, letting her know what you think would definitely help her!


    1. Oh dear…looks like this is a global syndrome to take advantage of others while doing projects. The one who slaves and slogs keeps doing it always with the names of everyone in the project. 😦


  13. Hugs Uma! I can understand your anxiety, your worries so very well. Have been having such concerning thoughts about Namnam too, even though she is only 5. I had even blogged about it a few months back.

    I totally understand tackling a 5 year old is far easier than tackling an adolescent who is at a more vulnerable stage of life. But thats not to say we stop guiding them or advising them of the possible repercussions if any. So all I’d say is that, while our kids make the friends they want, we continue to guide them towards making the right ones and assure them of our support if at all they stumble in their choice of friends. And the kind of mother you are to your girls, they are going to be fine, absolutely fine πŸ™‚


    1. Thanks and hugs Deeps for all that confidence in me. And I am assured after your comments that I’ll tackle this issue with more ease and assurance. πŸ™‚


  14. Uma me too worried about the girls choices of friends.But i don’t think it is in our hands.Varunavi has a friend who takes too much advantage of her and i told her not to be friendly with her.Varu told she won’t,but one day i went to her class to talk to the teacher and found her sitting with the same girl.When i asked her why,she says amma i like her and she begs me to sit with her so i sat.I was not upset that she sat with her inspite of me telling her not to but i was upset cause she is blind in seeing that she is been taken for a ride by this girl.


    1. Oh dear…I can truly relate to that Sari. Even at a young age like Varu’s, its difficult to tell about all these things, right ???

      Hugs to u…hope Varu learns all these soon. πŸ™‚


  15. Hugs Ums…

    My mum used to ask this question too when she saw me being taken for a ride by my selfish frns back in college! I knew too, did it anyway and learnt my way around the world…
    I am still learning..
    But, your daughter is an amazing girl and she will turn out to be perfectly fine… esp since she has you as her mom!



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