I worked so hard all my life, to make relationships but looks like every relation has failed to work, when I need it the most.
I realize today that money doesn’t maketh a man, but I guess the realization doesn’t help in any way.
It’s always been love that the world has gone after, but now I don’t know why I don’t deserve such love.
Who am I ???
What am I doing in this old age home ???
Is this the kind of life God asked me to live ???
To chew on my life that has gone past, is certainly going to stain my heart. I just pray that there is healing in the process.
It was those days of getting married in the late teens and I was no exception. I was full of optimism and happiness as I stepped into my husband’s home, only to fall flat to the irony that I am not his first wife.
I struggled to keep my jewels which my mother gave me, but it was all in vain. But I thank God, at this moment that there are no children, as that would make my decision to leave him, harder.
Leaving him was not so difficult, as I felt that I’ve touched hell in those few years of life together with him. After he took away all the jewels and money, there was no need for him to even visit me. I feel that freedom from this man was what I want.
It was my eldest brother who came as a pillar of strength to my weakened body and mind. He took me in his house, helped me re-build my life from the fragments which I’ve left before getting married. The education was one main fragment which I held onto tightly, as I felt that education is the thing that I want. I studied Teacher training and started work in a nearby school.
To keep me diverted from the disturbing images of marriage I carry with me all the time, my brother started giving me more responsibilities at home. Slowly and steadily I became attached to my brother’s son, who was a baby at that time and actually considered him as my own son. He was also so loving and even called me “Amma”.
There was only one thing that was predominant in my thinking – I need to save money for my future needs and also for this loving son. Money was my priority and what I earned was invested well, with the knowledgeable brother over-looking financial commitments. I felt I was at a place filled with love and to call it home, at last.
As years passed by, I saved quite a lot of money from the salary I was earning. I even stunned myself by accumulating gold. I felt so satisfied with my achievements that day, after I lost all my jewels, years back.
There were good and bad moments during the subsequent years, but the worst time was when my beloved brother passed away, leaving me and his wife to the care of his sons.
It was traumatic for me and my brother’s wife, to suddenly find the sons to be caretakers of the money and house which my brother has left behind, than taking care of us. At this moment, I wish that I had a son for myself. I see myself changing in my perceptions towards life.
In another 10 years, I’ll see a centenary, but the realizations of the past year, in an old age home has been tremendous.
Yes, I’ve money which I saved for my future. I thought that money will see me through tough times. But what I failed to see was that I’ll be made to walk those tough times alone. The children are more interested in the money I’ve, than knowing about my health and welfare.
It’s actually love that I’ve longed for, from the day I got married. But gave it a different name during each and every stage of my life. And its love that I want the most today, but I guess that I can get it only from the Supreme Power, when he wishes to take me with Him.
I long for a loving person to talk to me.
I yearn for a loving smile and hug.
I wait for a meal to be served with love.
I need people around me.
I want them to care for me, when I fall sick.
I live in the best of the homes, but I am all alone in this old age home. People around me are like me, so they understand the value of love. Each one of us lend a helping hand to others here. But can it equate the love I long for, from the loved ones of my family ???
How funny life has changed me !!! The perceptions of my younger days don’t match with my present days.
The person inside me who thought that money was the most important thing, which can see me through old age has been pushed to a corner in my heart. Because the heart has become vacant longing for love.
My eternal question goes on – Money or love ???
Inspired by a true life situation.