But still I want to put in my thoughts on this.
Upbringing plays a major role in defining a person’s personality traits. A person can benefit by the upbringing by becoming more communicative, accepting people for their good and bad values, accommodating new ideas. For this the parents need to be open-minded, with no stereotyped equations at home, based on gender. If the person grows in such a wonderful environment (which is not often), they sure should have a comfortable life ahead.
The problem begins when this person gets married to someone, who is from a closed outlook family, where values are insisted based on gender. You are a girl, so learn the house hold work. You are a boy, go to work. You are a girl, so you should learn to adjust, to accept the rules of your in-laws house as your own, you cannot have any mind-set of your own, you should always listen to your husband and in-laws. You are a boy, get married and enjoy. All these are not told on the day they get married, but from the day they are born.
So, when a girl brought up in such a closed outlook space, gets married to someone who has a broader outlook to life, and if the girl thinks that the things she had been taught doesn’t hold good in a relationship, there are probabilities of good change in her.
But when a boy brought up in such a closed outlook space, gets married to a girl with broader thinking and a quality to enjoy life in her terms, that is the time when real trouble begins. Even if the boy thinks what his wife is doing is right, he is unable to accept them, as it’s against the teachings of the parents. And secondly, he doesn’t want to be any different from his brothers or cousins, in having a wife who has a brain of her own. It’s a state of total confusion for this boy, who has been brought up spineless, whether to support his wife or his family.
Accepting a person as they are and not asking them to change.
In a relationship, there are compromises and adjustments. When a person does this on their own accord, for their loved ones, there is no problem. Some women change from being non-vegetarian at mom’s place to a total vegan at the in-laws. Some women start drinking coffee, because everyone seems to love their coffee at the in-laws place. These eating or drinking habits might be of minor consequence to talk about, but being a day-to-day affair, the person might get repulsed over a period of time. Of course, all the major changes happen in the woman’s habits and practices because of our tradition of the married woman going to live with her in-laws.
Just look at the woman, who goes to begin her newly married life, in a new place of her own. She’ll be herself, never-changing forcibly. She might have tea, while the husband can enjoy his morning coffee.
A career woman is expected to change more. Now, there are restrictions to her career life – she cannot schedule meetings in the late evenings – she cannot attend office parties, which doesn’t include family – she cannot take up night shifts – she cannot call any of her male colleagues as friends – and she just cannot go to work on holidays. But the man of the house can do all these, go with his friends for a drink and still enjoy life and be married.
The man can be what he was before the wedding – he is not expected to change – he is scared to change, for the fear of standing out among his other male counterparts at home.
The woman just cannot be the same as before the wedding. Period. No explanations. There is no total acceptance of a woman – she is always expected to change.
Stop tagging along.
Does love require a man to go behind his wife all the time, wherever she goes ???
Can’t she go for shopping on her own ?? Will the crowd swallow her ???
Isn’t she capable of crossing the road by herself ???
Does bus or train travel scare her, that she needs to be escorted ???
Any woman who has done her college, would have commuted on her own, enjoyed a movie with other girl friends, eaten out, got wet in the rain, done all her work by herself. So, why this tagging suddenly, after she is married ???
I know a lady, who learnt to drive a bike in her late thirties. She is very short and sometimes struggles to keep her feet down on the road, when she needs to stop her bike. So, she was quite hesitant to learn to drive. But her husband was the motivating force behind her. He told her to learn at any cost. She fell down many a times, trying to put her foot down and losing her balance. But he never allowed her to accept defeat. Treat the superficial wounds, but be strong to drive well, was his advice. Be on your own, he kept insisting to her.
And there are other men, who don’t allow the women to drive after marriage. They insist on dropping them, picking them up – just too much tagging or is it too much love ???
Doesn’t love understand the need to give space to the other person ???
If you have a dream in your heart, just let it go…if it’s yours, it’ll come back to you…if it doesn’t come, it was never meant to be yours — I’ve read it somewhere. I think it holds good for relationships too. Give the relationships space and see it blossom. Cramp them with too much love or anything, it certainly will get crushed.