Conversations with your little girl…

I recently came across the news which is generally shocking to the nature of this Chennai city, which is that girls in Grades 6 and above have boyfriends. And that too, sometimes, more than 1.  This is a tremendous shock for the traditionally culture driven South Indian Society who live here.  These are unacceptable scenarios, for various reasons :

  • The parents were brought up in such conservative situations and ideas, that they think of this as blasphemy.
  • Since the concept of arranged marriages is a long-standing tradition here, this concept of having boyfriends at a young age is quite unacceptable to them.
  • There is also this stubborn streak inside families which still force to implement the “girls cannot talk to boys” rule, especially after the girl attains her puberty.
  • Also, there are many families who insist to the colleges to separate the girls from the boys, quoting the “focus on studies” is more important – that’s another post by itself.

Ok…is it so bad to have a boy friend ? And why all friends who are boys, treated like the “boyfriends” by parents ? Is it wrong for a girl to have a good friend in the opposite gender ?

I don’t think it’s so terribly wrong to have a friend in a boy. If he is going to be a good support for the girl in all the friendship ways, then its all the more good for her.

Those fancy ideas that having a boyfriend is so filmy and that compulsion to have one that are to be given serious thought about.  “In a relationship” is so commonly seen in FB now a days.  If a girl doesn’t have a boyfriend then it should be ok. But the peer pressure to have one is so high now a days that it actually kills the girl.  Girls are sidelined by their friends during conversations and during play times, if they do not have a boy friend. The girls who have boy friends talk about it most of the time that the girls without boyfriends cannot join in this conversation. This makes this girl to think of herself in such low-esteem that confidence evades her. She starts going into a shell. During times like these, comes in the role of a parent, especially the mother, whose conversations with her little girl can do wonders.

It’s very important to have great conversation times with your child from the beginning and the underlined code is “never snub your children, when they voice their opinion on something”.  Allow them to talk freely about what they feel like. It’s very important to keep the conversation flowing. Do not make the child think that you are a strict warden with a whip in hand to slash her on every word mistake she makes. It’s ok to make mistakes, they learn from that. Being firm with moral values and being strict with them are entirely different. It’s very important for mothers to understand this basic difference. So, be firm not strict.

And share some secrets with your little girl. Take her into your confidence. Share a knowing smile that you two know something that even daddy is not aware of.  That gives a goad in the right direction to your daughter, to make her talk about her secrets.  You, as a mother, should be the first person she turns into to clear her doubts and share her anxieties. I remember how my daughter used to come to me every morning, with a question on menstruation among other things. It made me feel happy that I am the Google for her. She looked out for answers and explanations from me. And I had to be honest too. Sometimes, her doubts were far beyond her age. But I tried my level best to explain things that she could understand and later when she grew up, I explained all those missed out things.

One more thing to make conversations, is to greet your child, who comes home from school, with a “How was your day?? Did your friend come to school ? Did you play with your friend?” Concentrate more on the friendly relationships she has made in school than with a moronic boring “What homework do you have??”  Education is very important, I am not deviating.  But when relationships around your daughter are more solid, then she’ll be very confident of herself, of her friends. Studying becomes a natural thing to do, apart from playing.

Be very frank with your child. Even if you have made a mistake, accept it. Show that its human to make mistakes. But once we have apologized, we need to stick to it and not repeat it.  We cannot have different set of rules for us and for the children.  Also, when the child makes a mistake and admits to the mistake, let it go. Do not ponder on it by talking about it again and again. This is another way of shutting up your child.

A hug, a kiss, a praise, a smile can go a long way in building a great rapport with your child. Be the one who your child will seek first and see your conversations grow !!

**My understanding is based on the rapport that I’ve with my daughters. It might be different for you. If you have a better idea, method for great conversations, please share with me.

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About UmaS

A Stay At Home Mom trying desperately to make a difference, in whatever I do !!!
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29 Responses to Conversations with your little girl…

  1. I loved the post Uma. Being the mother to a little girl myself, I look forward to such a relationship, and I really hope I succeed in building one!
    I had a great relationship with my mother, and she was my confidante for everything all through childhood. And as you said, most things came naturally and never had to be forced on us.
    Totally agree to all you say :) Love the bond you share with your girls!

    Like

    • UmaS says:

      Thanks DI :D
      I think that you’ll be a great mom to your little one and a more great relationship with her…honesty between each other is what matters at all times !! See, you got it from your mom :)
      I am so blessed for the bond that I’ve with my girls !

      Like

  2. janu says:

    I agree with you Uma, gone are the days when we were so afraid of our parents that we couldn’t share anything with them. Me and my daughter have a wonderful relationship….not perfect but better that what I had with my mom. :)

    Like

    • UmaS says:

      Yeah Janu…am glad with this world of change among parent-children relationships. But there are many more parents who need to come out of their circle and try to see the world from their child’s point of view.

      Like

  3. ashreyamom says:

    this reminfs me, when i was in my teens, i used feel really bad as i didnt have any follower. I never got any love letter, no body praised me for my appearance or, no senior looked or followed me after my tutions. I used to feel so low and thought i was not beautiful. Good that my friends didnt form such groups. we were all one. may be thats the reason i survived that phase. Now i am trying to be a good friend to the little one.. :)

    Like

    • UmaS says:

      Awww…hugs Ashreyamom ! Am glad you had friends to make you feel better.
      This is precisely the point I want the parents to understand…being in a great bond with their child can mean a world of difference to the child.

      Like

  4. Ashwathy says:

    Lovely :) I have always maintained that you are among the best mothers I know. I still stand by it.

    Like

  5. pixie says:

    I agree with Ash.. you are one of the best mothers I know.
    I have a good relationship with my mom. And I hope I build a good relationship with my child too.. :)

    Like

  6. anisnest says:

    a wonderful post to keepsake for my future reference..

    Like

  7. dhana says:

    You are a great mom Uma! I have to learn a lot from you!
    having studied in a girls only school and college,at first I had some hesitation to move with men colleagues at my workplace. keeping this in mind i was keen in joining my kids in a co-ed school. that helped, but now my daughter who has entered college feel separated as you wrote for not having a boyfriend of her own! what the hell is this! i made her clear that as long as she can treat both boy and girl equally as her friends,no problem!
    And these girls dont understand ‘a friend is a friend’ whether it is boy or girl.

    Like

    • UmaS says:

      Hey Dhana…thanks !! Actually its within all of us, just let our inner feelings come out naturally, without the inhibitions of “what the society will say” !!
      Dhana, its the friends who make it look different…once a boy and girl start talking in a friendly manner, they keep teasing them, pointing it out that they might be a couple later and such silly stuff. So, some children refrain from making friends. Its upto us mothers, to make them feel good about themselves that all these things which the friends blabber do not make a difference !!
      I think your daughter will do well…have some patience with her !!

      Like

  8. Great post, Uma! I agree with you that the children should have confidence in their mothers so that they can take her into confidence and discuss about anything and everything with you. Otherwise they will discuss only with friends and know about things in a confused way.

    My children studied in Vidya Mandir and I have seen them discussing things together before and after their exams. There was no difference between boys and girls in that atmosphere. I liked it a lot because we were not brought up like that which was not good, I know.

    Your daughters are lucky to have you as their mom!

    Like

  9. craftyshines says:

    So well expressed Uma, and your girls are so so lucky to have you :)
    I’ve seen such sensible mothers in Smitha, Deeps & IHM in all that they write.

    Yes, it’s important kids find out as much from trusted sources, and who better than parents.
    Plus, that kind of ensures you are someone approachable when in need of advice or info.

    hugs and hats off to you!

    Like

    • UmaS says:

      Craaaffftyyyy….hugs dear !! The rapport between mother and children is so important that I just pray that every mother yearns for a good one and achieves it too :)

      Like

  10. My mom was also just like you. She was cool and often my guy friends used to hang at home and we used to have endless conversations and of course, my mom never sat with us. Children need healthy habits and friendly and understanding parents which will enable them to feel confident and free in their own skin.

    Cheers to moms like you!

    Like

  11. Roshni says:

    Such a lovely post, Uma!! Your daughter is certainly lucky to have such a broad-minded person as her mom!

    Like

  12. afshan says:

    Thats a great parenting post for ppl like me
    Even my mom has open talks with me ! We are more of friends. I almost share every thng other than those few secrets which are meant to be secrets :P
    Each tip u gave here makes sense

    Like

    • UmaS says:

      Awww…so glad of that mommy-daughter relationship. Every daughter needs it !!
      Thank you…have written everything from what I have learnt from the relationship with my girls. I may have made some mistakes in parenting, but I have tried to overcome them with honest conversations !

      Like

  13. sridevidatta says:

    Such a sweet post this is Uma and it works for both sons and daughters . The other day I manged to talk about rape with my elder one and I felt I had crossed a major bridge .

    Like

  14. What a coincidence that you should write about the 6th Standard kids and ‘boyfriends/girlfriends’ topic! For the past two weeks that has been something I’ve been bombarded by, in school. And it was equally disturbing, not for the fact that they had these bf/gf things, but the peer pressure that is there. On the run up to Val Day, this Monday, I had to talk to a young lad in my class (9th) about how he sent ‘messengers’ and ‘scouts’ for an appropriate ‘girl’ – they call it ‘line’ out here – and how that young girl was spooked by it all, though it would appear that all her (italics) friends seemed to have a ‘line’! The way they handle peer pressure, and how supportive parents and teachers are, at that point, is what gets them really grounded and confident. Sadly, out here, both parents and teachers tend to go overboard and start haranguing the young ones, instead of just clarifying!
    No doubt about it. You’re doing a wonderful job, being there with/for your girls, and talking to them. That’s what’s missing in most places.

    Like

    • UmaS says:

      Some telepathy huh ? ;)
      I agree with you Usha. Its very important to teach our kids the right things with such honesty, that they stand by what you’ve taught them. I think that helps them in staying confident even if they don’t have a bf / gf.
      Its really a sad state, that conversations do not happen, as it needs to happen between parents and children.
      Thank you so much…I’ve always cherished my role as a mother and with such words from all of you, makes me happy that I’ve done this job very well.

      Like

  15. Swati Sharma says:

    Hi Uma,

    Hope you are doing well :) Just wanted to share details about a campaign by Johnson’s Baby called ‘Share the Language of Love’. Since its based on a noble cause and you write on various aspects of parenting, thought that this may be of interest to you…

    Writing to you here, since I couldn’t find your email id. Would be great if you can share your email id, so that I can write to you with more information about the campaign. Look forward to hearing from you soon.

    Thanks,
    Swati Sharma
    The PRactice
    swati@the-practice.net

    Like

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