Now, there is this link from the Women’s Web, for writing about feeling guilty, being a mother.
As a Mother, I am as old as my child. The mother in me was born with my child and I learnt the little steps to being a mother, while my child was trying to crawl, walk, talk and learn new things. I’ve tripped and fallen down many a times in my judgement or reaction to situations, thereby adding to the guilty feeling inside me.
When I left my wonderful job and financial independence owing to my first pregnancy, there was not a soul in our relatives circle, who didn’t criticize that decision of mine and my husband’s. And yes, I’ve felt guilty of giving away my wonderful career. My office people didn’t want to me go – that made it really hard on me.
It was really difficult managing my guilty feeling, along with the criticism of relatives and friends around me and constant calling from my office people. It took a great amount of my strength to say NO firmly to myself and to others – it was really a hard time, handling that guilt.
From a happy-go-enjoy-life attitude of a 24 yr old, to a mother of two girls by 26 – I was shocked at myself. I certainly didn’t see this happening to me. I was not thin any more. I was totally out of shape. I didn’t have a career. The sad part was I forgot how I existed 2 years back.
More tough was the job of handling two girls – one running all around the house and the other little one daring to fall off the bed, while trying to turn continuously. I was going mad.
There was no constant help around. And it was tough managing the household and the kids. I was wondering, how I let this situation grow on me.
The husband was transferred…had to stay back becos I felt that managing in a known place is better, at that time. Guilty again, with the man being miles away from me.
Happy to be reunited with husband in a new town…but guilty to be on my own…no Mom to run and come, at the beck and call of mine.
Actually, my mind was so busy, cleaning, cooking, feeding the girls and doing the entire work at home, that when I got up to see, what’s happening to me, 4 years have passed by quietly. Again guilty for not enjoying those moments in detail…I don’t have any photographs…no write-ups…nothing apart from my memory on what happened during those years. Now, when I see young mothers, noting down details of everyday with pictures, it makes me feel guilty of times spent with no diary.
NO MORE GUILTY
But, I always wonder at the two lives, created and brought to this Earth. The two wonderful daughters. They are delight to be with. They were darlings and never created a racket at home. That helped to ease the guilt feeling nagging at the ends of my mind.
And when they joined school, I started doing other odd things, with the time I had in hand. That made me feel like a bird with new found wings.
I found myself, very creative, with threads and needle, with paints and brush, with rangoli powders and my hand…I started discovering a new ME. And this discovery found me on blogs tooo….and is still going on.
It dawned on me that the wonderful job I had, no more brought in the excitement. It also made me realize that the priorities in my life has changed. How a wonderful creation called babies, can change your whole world upside down !!!! Going for the job again, didn’t give me any satisfaction. I wanted to see my girls take their first step, talk their first word and be with them for the many firsts in their life.
Yes, my career would have been fantastic, if I had stuck with that job – Who knows, I might be in some project site in the US of A, too. But all that don’t matter anymore…they don’t look so exciting as it used to be for me, when I was 24.
I’ve changed for the better. I’ve become more matured with every day.
My take on life is entirely simple – Enjoy every moment of your living breath with loved ones around you. No one knows whats in store for the next moment. The present moment is more precious to be lived with my wonderful husband and the darling daughters.
Now, I don’t look into motherhood, with a guilty feeling. Not any more. I’ve realized that my daughters and their smile, my husband and his love are far important to me, than all those guilty feelings put together.
No amount of money can replace the smile I get when the girls come back from school to give me a hug. :)
No career can equate the dependent love that has grown between me and my husband.
Life is short – Enjoy every moment without any guilt or regret and don’t forget that love needs to be expressed immediately. There are no right moments to express it.
Life is sweet – Enjoy with loved ones around you.